Someone To Have
by The Eidolon
Summary: Harry wants Draco. Draco is a dumb blond. Voldemort has Man-Panties. Basically a parody of everything. Slash, but if you're looking for a love story...this ain't it.
1. He's WHAT?

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. If it did, would I be here?

Rated R for language and possible sexual stuffs.

A/N: Okay, this contains Harry/Draco slash, and this is the first and last time I'm going to warn you. If you don't like it, tough. If you do, then have fun. And review.

* * *

"EEEAAARGH!"

Harry heard the high-pitched scream from upstairs in his room. _Was that Aunt Petunia? _He jumped off his bed, stumbled to the door, and dashed downstairs, not registering the fact that Aunt Petunia had left the house an hour before.

Once downstairs, he heard another earsplitting scream come from the living room. He cautiously made his way over to the doorway and poked his head in, not wanting to be seen if Aunt Petunia had found a mouse or something.

Instead of a shrieking Aunt Petunia, he saw Uncle Vernon on the floor, with Lupin and Tonks standing over him, trying to get him to his feet. Harry saw what had happened at once: Lupin and Tonks had arrived to take him to the Burrow or possibly Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, and had scared Uncle Vernon when they suddenly popped out of nowhere. It apparently had been Uncle Vernon who had screamed. Noticing this, Harry snorted.

The sound caused Lupin to look up, and he gave Harry a weak smile. Harry's stomach wriggled as he realized all of Lupin's best friends were dead. And Wormtail, who was worse than dead, having betrayed them all. Harry returned the smile, but it was genuine.

Harry had actually come to terms with Sirius's death during this summer. The Dursleys, who had (to Harry's disbelief) realized that Harry was incredibly depressed, had treated him civilly. Especially Aunt Petunia, who alone realized the full implications of Voldemort's return. And since she knew they were safe from Voldemort here, all her animosity toward her nephew had vanished. She had finally treated him like a part of the family, and even Uncle Vernon and Dudley hadn't been horrible, which was probably Aunt Petunia's doing as well. For that, he was extremely grateful.

Harry now knew that Sirius's or Cedric's death wasn't his fault at all. It was Voldemort. It all went back to that pale, pathetic snake of a man. His insides went into that familiar smoldering rage, where he'd grit his teeth and think about all the things he'd like to make Voldemort do with the Unforgivable Curses…

"Harry?"

Harry snapped out of his anger-induced trance. "Yeah?"

"Perhaps you could help us with your traumatized uncle?"

Harry grinned sheepishly. "Okay. Only because he's been _nice_ to me." He smirked at Uncle Vernon, who regained enough composure to turn purple. Then red. Then scarlet. Then baboon's ass red. Then green from the mere thought of a baboon's ass.

Tonks laughed. "Look, it's the Amazing Color-Changing Muggle!" Lupin smiled, and went upstairs to get Harry's trunk and other supplies.

Tonks and Harry managed to get Uncle Vernon into the big armchair and got him calmed down enough to explain that Harry was indeed leaving a little early this summer. Needless to say, Uncle Vernon brightened up considerably. Then he remembered Harry would be back next summer. So he turned white.

Tonks screamed in delight. "He's doing it again!"

* * *

Several days later, Harry passed through the barrier of Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. The remaining days of the summer had been enjoyable as always. To Harry's delight, he had discovered that Ron and Hermione had finally confessed their feelings to each other. They were practically a couple, but they had decided to hold off on any…further action until they were definitely sure. _And besides, _Harry thought, _nobody likes hetero action anyway._

The three had decided that Harry's romantic life should be paid attention to, as it was agreed that he needed someone in this time of need.

Hermione and Ron knew this might be slightly difficult due to one fact that might make this year more interesting.

Harry Potter was gay.

* * *

A/N 2: Okay, I know this one was short and long winded at the same time, but I wanted to get all that angst stuff out of the way, because I'm not good at writing it. Sorry about that. But please, please, PLEASE tell me what you think. Review!

The Eidolon


	2. Is EVERYONE Horny?

Disclaimer: Everything is the property of J.K. Rowling. Lucky woman.

Rated 'R' for everything imaginable.

A/N: Okay, I know the first chapter stunk, but I just wanted to get that boring stuff out of the way. I mean, this story is not going to be about Harry's fight with Voldemort or his past or the truth or anything. It's gonna be about him getting some action! And I promise that this chapter will be more interesting.

**Courtz****- **Thanks! I'll try, but school might interfere. Grr.

**Faye407**- Really? I didn't think it was at all. YAY! Oh, and here's an update. Heehee.

**Freddysgurl8904**- You…liked it? I think I'm going to cry…or not. Heh. But I'm inserting my pathetic sense of humor in this whole story, so feel free to scream at me for it!

**The Kid In The Corner**- Yeah, the first one was meant to interest people…the next ones are meant to capture. Heheh. Yes ma'am, I'm continuing!

Thanks, all of you!

And sorry for not getting it posted earlier, but this evil site was messing up...and I'm trying to figure out whats the best way to divide parts of the story...

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**_Chapter 2:_**

****

_Is EVERYONE Horny??_

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_Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck. _Draco was pissed. His dad had finally taken him to meet Voldemort, and instead of **The Greatest Dark Wizard. Ever.,** he had met a pale anorexic snake-man. AND he was expected to kiss his robes! As if. The man had horrible fashion sense. _I'm not kissing anything not made of silk._

_Fuck._

He had thought his dad wouldn't be able to continue his Death Eater (_What a tacky name) _training, since he was supposedly in Azkaban. Surprise, surprise, he had escaped. The man they thought was Lucius Malfoy was actually a Muggle, forced to drink Polyjuice Potion. They wouldn't find out about that little surprise for a while.

Draco hated his father. Who could not hate a man who puts his family members under the Imperius Curse? A man serving an anorexic, cackling madman? A man who doesn't accept his own son's sexuality even if he's standing right there criticizing his shoes? Yeah, he hated him.

Draco glanced around the empty compartment on the Hogwarts Express. He had finally rid himself of those ugly sycophants. It had helped that they were banging each other into oblivion and actually didn't mind time alone. He shuddered at the thought of those two…together.

_Gross! Why does everyone in Slytherin have to be so godforsaken ugly? Except for Blaise. He's alright. Even his horrible eyeliner has some strange attractive quality. Mmmm…but Gryffindor…_

And with that, he fell asleep.

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"All the compartments are full!"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I can't believe it, they should all be- Wait, here's one!"

"Anyone in it?"

"Well, yes, but he's asleep…"

"Well, Hermione, let's just hurry up and get in!"

"Okay, but you're not going to like this…"

Hermione entered the compartment first, followed closely by Harry, then Ron. Ron accidentally tripped over Harry, and they immediately engaged in a wrestling match. _Ooo__, I might get to feel Ron up.._

Hermione slapped them both across the face and hissed, "Quiet! Have you seen who's in here?!"

Harry shifted Ron's shoulder so he was sitting on Ron's face. He looked up and gasped. "Is he asleep?"

"I think so," Hermione said. "But be quiet, we don't want to wake him up!"

"Get your fat arse off my face!"

Harry frowned and pouted. "Aww, Ron, I'm not moving until you say it's not fat and compliment it." Hermione smiled. "Yeah, Ron, that's a good idea and its best that you don't see..um..him."

" Who?" Ron said distractedly. "Fine. Harry, your arse is not fat and is completely shaggable." Harry grinned and said, "You really think so, Ron? I wouldn't object to me and you trying some things out.."

"HARRY!"

Harry giggled and moved off Ron's now swollen face. "I mean, they can't be that bad, as long as it isn't Snape or.." Ron froze. "**Malfoy**," he hissed.

"Shh!" Hermione cautioned. "I don't want him to wake up and insult us again." Ron rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, "Oh, yeah, Hermione, always jumping to conclusions. How do you know the flaming ferret hasn't _changed_?"

"Well, actually," said Hermione thoughtfully, "I've heard he actually has."

Harry's interest was piqued. "What do you mean?"

"He met some Muggle-born first years when he got onto the platform, and they had dropped all their things."

Ron made a face. "Let me guess, he called them Mudbloods and turned all their stuff invisible, didn't he?"

"Actually, he didn't. He picked it all up and gave it to them. Lavender said the whole platform was staring."

"Really?" Ron was impressed against his will. "As long as he doesn't call Hermione a Mudblood-"

"Or talk about your family's money?" Malfoy drawled.

"That too. I mean, what kind of-" Ron stopped, realizing that it hadn't been Harry or Hermione who had spoken. "Oh, joy. The dragon has risen from his slumber."

Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes.

"Honestly, Weasley. Malfoy rubbed his eyes. "Got anything useful to say? Although, I must say I'm impressed you know that Draco means dragon." Harry snickered. "Shut up, Malfoy." _Looks like the pre-Madonna is **not** a morning person._

Malfoy merely looked at Harry.

Harry was confused. "What?"****

Malfoy sighed and took a very large and _very_ thick book titled _The One-Page Book of How to be Evil: Includes Instructions on How to Fool the Stupid (Like Fake Titles Designed to Disguise Useful Books!)_, and hid himself within it.

Hermione looked astonished. "Um, Malfoy?" No answer. "I'm not a Mudblood?" Nothing.

"Let me try," Harry said. "I rule at Quidditch!" Nothing. "Voldemort is a cackling exsanguinated (that means no blood!!) nutcase!"

"Couldn't agree with you more there, Potter," murmured Malfoy.

"You're actually NOT a Slytherin sex god!" said Hermione. Harry and Ron gaped. "What?" she said defensively. "I've heard rumors.."

"Actually, Granger, you're right again, as usual," said Malfoy. "Those rumors…" he snorted. "I'm only the Slytherin sex god because no one at Hogwarts in their right minds will shag anyone in that house. Blaise is the only remotely good-looking person in that godforsaken collection of bumblefucks, and he lost that oh so _revered_ title because of his eyeliner."

Ron looked horrified and overwhelmed at this information, not to mention slightly green. "I think I'll go out in the hall and wait till we get to Howgarts…I mean Hogwarts.."

Hermione looked giddy. "Ooo, Ron, I'll come too!" Ron seemed postively ecstatic. "Bye Harry, bye ferret," he muttered distractedly as he grabbed Hermione's hand and dragged her out of the compartment.

_Son of an ugly Death Eater bitch!! I'm stuck in a compartment with Malfoy! And Ron is bound to be loud..wait..did he say Blaise? Isn't he a.._

"Err..Malfoy?" Harry said cautiously. "Did you say Zabini was good-looking?"

Malfoy laughed. "I said remotely. What's it to you anyway, Potter?"

Just then, Ron decided to moan rather loudly. Malfoy looked sick for a moment and shouted, "Weasley, you fuckwit! Be quiet for sanity's sake, and if not for that, before you attract a horny first year!"

Ron moaned louder.

Malfoy lost it. "Would Mr. Ronald Fuckwit like a ball gag!?" he screamed.

Harry was interested then. "I thought you weren't a sex god, Malfoy?"

Malfoy sneered (again!). No, I'm not, but I do know a few things." Harry filed this information away for later. "Like I said before, what's it to you Potter?"

Harry blushed. "Well, doesn't that Blaise thing…make you gay?"

Malfoy sighed. "Yes, so what? Don't tell me the famous Harry Potter is a homophobe."

_Heeheehee__, if he only knew..---NO, stop acting insane, you inner voice! _He blushed. "It's just that…"

"COME ON, YOU RED-HEADED, GANGLY, FRECKLY BITCH! WORK IT LIKE A HOUSE-ELF! I SAID **_HARDER!!!!_**"

_So much for holding off on the action._

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A/N: CLIFFHANGER! Okay this chapter isn't much better than the first one....but the next one will be, hopefully. Because it'll have Voldemort. And I intend to have fun with Aunty Voldy.

What's Harry going to say? Is he going to confess his SECRET! to his sworn enemy that quickly? Is he going to find out more about Malfoy? Is Malfoy interested in Harry? Is Hermione a dominatrix? Is this a bad story? Is this just a transparent ploy to get you to read the next chapter? Review to find out...

The Eidolon


	3. Sarcastic Snakes and Evil Plans

Disclaimer: Everything is the property of J.K. Rowling. Lucky bitch.

Rated 'R' for the things that go "HARDER!" in the night. Like Hermione. Although not necessarily at night.

A/N: Okay, here comes some plot! After you've woken up from hearing that, read the story. And, I thought I should maybe warn you again that there will be slash and random weirdness, such as Hermione's previous slur about house-elves. Also, I hadn't planned on any more of Hermione's…outbursts like that, but upon hearing that my muse told me to f--- off and die. Hmm. (Am I able to swear in an authors note?)

**TheHomicidalManiac777**- I was hoping to God it was funny. Hoping. Yeah. But I decided to make Draco laid back because I don't like him all snooty…maybe I'll make Harry the snooty one...Hmm...By the way, thanks!

**The Kid In The Corner**- Looks like I got you interested. YAY! And I'm glad you thought it was funny! Hopefully you'll think this one is funnier too! Maybe you'll be one of my periodic reviewers?? -hopeful smile and puppy dog eyes-

**Faye407**- Or should I say **Emily**?! Yes, it's your name. I thought I should say nice things to my reviewers, as to make them review again. Oh, by the way, I thought YOUR story was hilarious, too. But I'm really glad you like it, and here's an update!

Only three reviews? QUALITY OVER QUANTITY!! Because they were great. I felt so warm and fuzzy…-cries-

Why can't I use asterisks or tildes??

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**Chapter 3:**

_Sarcastic Snakes and Evil Plans_

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"Loooocy! Get in here!"

Lucius groaned. _Great.__ Voldemort is in my study. _Wincing at what Voldemort thought was an affectionate nickname, he entered the room. _Shit! His snake is here too! I swear to God that thing is insulting us._

"Ooo, look, Tom. It's Loony Lucy! Just when are you going to tell him that that was _my_ nickname for him?" hissed Nagini.

Voldemort sent her a scathing look. "Because, Nagini," he gushed, "You don't positively _love_ him, like I do. In fact," he continued, "you positively hate all my Death Eaters." His, err…Parseltongue voice took a sarcastic tone. "Pray tell, why is that?"

"Because they take orders from YOU," Nagini articulated slowly, as if explaining something to a three year old.

Lucius extended his cane. _Better make friends with it. _"Here, snakey snakey snakey!"

Nagini backed away. "Aaah! Oh God, get it away! No one knows what he does to Narcissa and the house-elves with that thing! Not to mention what he does to you with it, Tom," she finished slyly.

"Quiet, Nagini!"

Nagini did the snake equivalent of a pout, which Lucius misinterpreted to be a lustful look. "Come on, Nagini, girl, wanna take a ride on the Luscious Lucius train?"

Nagini was horrified. "OH GOD, he wants to get it on with a snake! Get that slut cane away from me! It's not even fit for Potion Masters!" And with that, Nagini retreated up Voldemort's legs and draped herself around his neck.

"I'm so disappointed they can't hear me, Tom," she cooed in his ear. "Then they'd know I'm not some big evil snake that just wants to eat the Boy-Who-Could-Not-Be-Killed. They'd know that I actually have quite a sense of humor."

Voldemort snorted. "Sense of humor? All you do is insult people, mainly me. And I'll have you know that that boy will taste very good. Like chicken."

"Oh yeah, you like chicken, don't you?" Nagini said sardonically. "Because you're the dumbass who killed the first basilisk with the rooster you took down there to eat."

"QUIET!"

Voldemort cleared his throat. "Erm, yes, Lucius, I've called here to discuss our latest plot to destroy the Bastard-Who-Lived."

_Who, you? _"Really, Master? Do tell," Lucius simpered.

"Hey, Lucy," Nagini began snickering. "Did you know Voldemort's trying a new kind of makeup? I think the shade is Owl-Poop White!"

Lucius was curious despite himself. "What did she say, Master?"

Voldemort calmed himself, imagining a beautiful field of colorful and vibrant flowers, with kittens frolicking in it. Then he scolded himself. _Such thoughts are not appropriate for a Dark Lord, on account of them not being evil!_

Once again, Lucius misinterpreted the look. "Constipated, my lord? Need a Prune Charm?"

Voldemort looked hopeful. "Is it an evil Prune Charm?" Then he shook himself, looking vaguely disgusted. "Er, no, Lucius, but let's continue on with the plan. Did I mention it was an evil plan?"

Lucius rolled his eyes. "No, you didn't, but I'm sure it is. Quite evil, indeed."

Nagini slithered up Lucius's robe. "Ah, a heartless murdering wife-beater with that Pantene shine. Wonder if the carpet matches the drapes?" She smirked mischievously and slid down his waist and quickly all but thrust her head inside his pants.

Lucius gasped. "Aaaah! Nagini, get out! This is highly inappropriate, surely your Master-_Ooo!-_ would not approve!" And with that, he yanked the satisfied serpent out and tossed her onto the floor.

"Fine, I'll leave, but don't come crying to me when Voldebitch gets that owl poop crap all over your gorgeous hair…any of it," she added huffily, before leaving the room, singing the Weird Sisters song _Stick Your Whomping Willow up my Shrieking Shack!_ as she went.

"About time. Conniving serpenty bitch…and I love her for it," Voldemort added fondly. "Now, Lucius, about this plan, I've done a very complicated and tiring piece of Dark Magic about 400 times. It is called the Amour Vrai Charm. Some French bitch who couldn't really speak the language created it. Now…"

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Harry looked at Draco. "Did you hear that?"

Draco was feeling a mix of emotions at once, and only a few of them were remotely pleasant. He compensated by looking uninterested. "Yes, Harry, I did, and quite frankly I'd like to never hear it again." _Except possibly coming from your mouth, but with my name._

It looked like Harry was also slightly unnerved by that Hermione's little outburst, but something else was bothering him. "Did you just call me Harry, Malfoy?"

But Draco had disappeared behind another book, this one titled _Evading Death Eater Induction (You're Screwed!)_ and said absently, "What's it to you, _Potter_?" he emphasized the word. "And as I recall, you didn't fully answer that question the first time I asked it."

For some reason, Harry was feeling slightly embarrassed, and he could feel the heat traveling up his neck to his ears. "Well, the first time, I was just surprised that you were gay, that's all. I thought you had shagged all the girls in Slytherin."

For the first time, Draco appeared distinctly ruffled, giving the impression of an angry hen. "The girls in Slytherin?!" he spluttered. "Have you seen them at all, Potter?"

_No, I was too busy staring at you._ "Well, no...but...because...well...they're not much to look at, and I don't want my stomach emptied," he finished lamely.

Draco snorted. _The understatement of the century. _He didn't register the fact that Harry's reaction to his question was slightly suspicious. "Please, Potter, you're the one who's most likely a sex god. I mean, you heard Granger out there. Those pretty girls in Gryffindor must be throwing themselves down just because of that scar, and I'll bet they're also pretty_ adventurous_ in the bedroom."

"You're wrong there, Malfoy," Harry said heatedly. "I never would sleep with anyone who is just lusting after this ridiculous scar. I get enough horrid offers every day, and that's quite enough to lessen any appetite I would have for such…_adventures_, as you so artfully put it."

As if on cue, Parvati Patil, her twin sister Padma, Lavender Brown, and Hannah Abbot burst into the compartment. "Harry, we love you! We'll do anything for you! And we mean ANYTHING!" they all shrieked in unison.

Harry looked a violent shade of green at the thought.

"Ooo, Harry, that matches your eyes!" giggled Hannah.

Draco stood up. Apparently the girls had not noticed his presence, and practically whimpered in fear. "Would you please remove yourself from this compartment? I don't feel like listening to your lustful escapades," he said tiredly. "If you're still in the mood, go watch Weasley and Granger. From the sound of it, it seems like quite a show," he added mischievously.

After the girls got over the shock of a Malfoy having a sense of humor, they left. _Can't blame them, seeing as Malfoys should not have senses of humor. Although, I never considered myself to be one._

Harry's angry sound snapped his attention back onto him. "Honestly," Harry said, "They're going to turn violent one day, and I'm going to be the first male who was ever raped at Hogwarts."

It appeared Harry was still in the mood to rant. "I wish I could just get to know someone, you know, so they don't just have a relationship with me because of what I look like!"

"Once again, Ha- Potter," he corrected, "I couldn't agree with you more." He murmured this quietly, thinking of Blaise and how he had treated Draco like some trophy boyfriend and sexual plaything.

Harry noticed the slip. And then something else registered.

_He hasn't insulted us at all…_

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"The what charm?" Lucius asked.

"The Amour Vrai Charm," explained Voldemort patiently. He liked to explain his positively evil plans to his minions, as they never knew what they entailed, and it was gratifying to hear such genius said aloud, rather than inside his head, accompanied by endless cackling.

"I'm not sure what it means, as I spent too much times at Hogwarts reading the book _How to Become POSITIVELY EVIL! _rather than studying foreign languages. Or anything else for that matter," he added as an afterthought, remembering that he couldn't tie his shoes.

"Anyway, this charm, cast upon a subject, will reveal a cryptic hint about the one the subject is in love with, and is meant for."

Lucius fidgeted. "If this charm is dealing with…love—he spat the word as it were owl poop—how is it Dark Magic?"

Voldemort smiled. "Ah, I haven't fully explained this charm yet. So shut the hell up and listen."

His minion looked abashed and respectfully lowered his eyes before looking back up and him expectantly.

"Now, these hints are usually utterly useless, but that is why I have completed extensive research on all the occupants of Hogwarts."

It dawned on Lucius. "You're going to find out who the Brat-Who-Lived is in love with, and then you're going to-"

"Lucius?"

"Yes, Master?"

"Shut the hell up and let me finish."

Again, Lucius looked abashed. Only this time, he looked a little flushed and excited. "Yes, Master," he purred. "Anything you say."

Voldemort smiled inwardly. He loved the power he held over his minions. They would never contradict his evil plans. Muahaha.

"Now, as I was saying..."

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A/N: You know, I was going to stop it where Harry realized that Draco hadn't insulted them yet, but that would've been the dumbest cliffhanger ever. SO I GAVE YOU ANOTHER ONE!! Now, what is Voldebitch doing with this charm? I bet you can't guess. Okay maybe you could, but I don't give a damn. Just kidding, you know I love you all.

I actually enjoyed writing this chapter. It seems my muse came back when I told her that Hermione and Ron would only return if she gave me more evil inspiration. I love writing Voldemort and Nagini. How fun…Maybe I'll make Draco have a…yes…-mumbles-

Thanks to the reviewers, and all the other people that might be reading this story but not reviewing…YOU JUST WAIT!

P.S. Tell your friends and make them read.

The Eidolon


	4. Slytherin Abounds

Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Except Voldebitch. I made that up. But if its in another story somewhere in the millions of Harry Potter fanfiction stories bite me!

Rated 'R' for things that like to slither into Lucy's pants. Like Hermione.

A/N: I updated, actually! I thought I wouldn't have as much time seeing as summer's over but I guess I'm not completely delayed. But guys, I really really appreciate all your wonderful reviews, so I really hope that I can continue writing this…oh, and we're most likely nowhere near the end. And if you like your stories to have only the characters Rowling created, you might not want to read.

**Fajrafay**- Interesting pen name! I'm glad you like it, and I find I like writing the humor more than seriousness…can you say necessary evil?...Teehee, EVIL!

**LadyAna**- Hmm, really? I think you've just given me another one-liner idea…thanks!

**Faye047**- Hey, it looks like you're really going to be one of my regular reviewers…yay! And I'm really really glad someone likes it and doesn't hate it like I do…can two people do the happy dance?

**The Kid In The Corner**- Mission accomplished. Another regular reviewer! YAY! And tell your friend that this isn't nothing, it's a perfect masterpiece of randomness. Perfect. Yeah. Cough And about Nagini, I hadn't read any stories about her so I decided to include her, and make her have a sense of humor a snake would probably have. I'm glad you like her!

**Swtdreams07**- They're meant to scare people. And Nagini is meant to distract that horror. But I'm pleasantly surprised you like their conversations because I thought that was the worst part..thanks!

**TheHomicidalManiac777**- There are SO many wizarding metaphors for stuff like that. You just wait and see. Thanks! And don't kill me…

**Seri-chan**- It's definitely not perfect. If it is, I've missed something. Haha, but I know, I always liked Blaise too A LOT, but I had to have somebody from Slytherin who would've gone out with Draco…all the other people from Slytherin are just too dang ugly. And on Blaise, of course eyeliner is hot. You'll see what the eyeliner is for, I included it for a reason…or did I? Heh.

**Sennia35**- It's supposed to be nuts. I mean, really, did anyone think that this was going to be a SERIOUS story? If you did, you ought to be a Hufflepuff.

**Julebu**- Thanks! I'm making the chapters a little short just in case I run out of story…Just kidding! I'm glad you like it, keep reading.

Whoo! I love you guys sooo much…can't you tell? And I haven't had a bad review yet…Now I will, just because I said that, but that's okay. As long as I don't make a sex scene with McGonagall I'll be fine.

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**_Chapter 4:_**

_Slytherin Abounds_

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Harry trudged into the Great Hall, soaking wet and practically frozen. It was again pouring outside, which was becoming a periodic tradition for the beginning of each year at Hogwarts. Give all the first years hypothermia and cause all of them die so Hermione and some other "adventurous individuals" couldn't get a hold of that much fresh meat. Unless Hagrid got to them first.

Once inside, Harry quickly scanned the room. He almost immediately found what he was looking for, in the form of one Draco Malfoy sitting alone at the Slytherin table. That in itself was indeed a rare occurrence, as Crabbe and Goyle and the usual Slytherin slaves and cronies were nowhere near him.

Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table, accompanied by Hermione and Ron, and Dean and Seamus to keep out the attacks of raging estrogen hormones directed at Harry.

Harry, being too naïve to worry about such things, had absolutely no idea of all the stares he was attracting from everywhere in the Hall. Being used to stares, he sort of tuned them out. The truth was that due to hard work in the Dursley's garden, he was actually-as Seamus said-bloody friggin gorgeous. Harry didn't believe him at all; he just dismissed it as untrue as Seamus pointed out his now exceptionally firm muscles and his yardwork tan, and especially the way his hair contrasted his vivid jungle green eyes.

Hermione was fervently hoping that none of this had gone to Harry's head. _I mean, look at Malfoy. Being bloody gorgeous like he is has obviously addled his brains and poisoned his personality. _

"Is it just me, or are more people staring this year than normal?" mumbled Harry.

Hermione was alarmed. _No sense in telling him why, he'll just deny it. _"Of course not, Harry," she said soothingly. "There's no reason for them to, is there?"

Ron opened his mouth to say "What are you talking about, bitch? Harry's bloody gorgeous!" but Hermione stomped on his foot. "Ow, Hermione!" he complained, but he looked oddly fulfilled all the same.

Harry gave them a questioning look, but said, "Okay, if you say so, but I still think more people are staring than usual. Even Malfoy is staring!"

Hermione whipped around. _Well, would you look at that. I recognize interest when I see it, having seen it in Ron's eyes when he gets hit hard enough. I knew it! I'm so smart, hell yeah, so smart, go me, go me, go me, oh yeah, go me…_

"HERMIONE!"

She looked around, startled. "What?"

Ron stared at her. "You were…dancing in your chair and muttering something like 'go me.' You…weren't doing that, were you?"

Hermione flushed. "So what if I was? I _am _the best, you know."

As Harry opened his mouth to question her sanity, Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I welcome you all back from what was hopefully a refreshing summer, and I hope you have all had a chance to empty your heads. All of them."

Harry exchanged a horrified look with Ron. He glanced up at the staff table and inwardly thought it looked like the Menopausal Rainbow. Professor McGonagall had turned red, but due to embarrassment or excitement, Harry didn't know. Professor Trelawney, who had apparently deigned to eat with the mundane, had turned an unstable shade of violet, as if she was suppressing herself from warning Dumbledore that his innuendo would cost him his head. Both of them.

Professor Sinistra, the Astronomy teacher, had turned white and looked faint. And just then, Harry noticed a new teacher. She was sitting to the right of Professor Flitwick, who was nowhere to be seen, most likely on the floor like a turtle wiggling his feet and arms in an effort to get up.

This new teacher had hair that was flowing around her shoulders that had a slightly green glow. Everything about her, in fact, had a slightly green glow. She looked ethereal and other-worldly, and extremely sophisticated. She gave off that air that suggests a kindly grandmother that is gentle and loving, and it seemed like she'd do anything to help her students. Currently she looked serenely indifferent to what Dumbledore had said.

Professor Sprout was the only teacher her original color. She was gazing blankly off into space with a completely vacant expression. Really, what did you expect from a Hufflepuff?

"This year, I'd like to explain some new and rather startling changes. I'm happy to announce that Professor Trelawney has discovered that she is extremely proficient in Defense Against the Dark Arts!"

Malevolent murmurs and astonished whispers spread like wildfire across the Hall.

"_Trelawney_, a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?"

"Who does she think she is?!"

"Who does he think he is?!"

"Well, who's teaching Divination then?"

"The job's really jinxed now…"

"All Hufflepuffs must die!"

"Stop, Hermione…it hurts…"

Dumbledore cleared his throat again. "Therefore, we need a new teacher to fill the vacant Divination position, and I'm happy to say that Professor Ivy will do extremely nicely!"

The woman with the ethereal green glow rose from her chair and inclined her head regally and gazed at the students with eyes full of motherly warmth. "Thank you, Dumbledore," she said, in a voice that tinkled with benevolent laughter. "I am exceptionally pleased at this wonderful chance to teach these gifted students."

Not even the Slytherins could make a derogatory comment toward a woman who was such a good person.

Professor Ivy sat back down. The Hall resumed its normal chatter as the food appeared on the tables.

======

A couple of hours later, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were conversing in the Gryffindor common room. Hermione had become all business-like. "So Harry, did you see anyone you might have fancied during dinner?" Her eyes looked positively alive with glee.

"Not really…" Harry said. He had repeatedly glanced at a certain Slytherin who had piqued his interest all through dinner, but he wasn't about to admit that to any of his friends.

Hermione wasn't fooled. "Oh come on, Harry, do you think I'm some Hufflepuff? I know there's _got _to be someone you might be interested in," she said.

"Maybe," Harry said helpfully.

"Fine, be a little bitch. Come on, Ron," Hermione said forcefully. She grabbed Ron's hand and dragged him toward the staircase to the girls' dormitories. Once Ron reached it, the stairs began to melt into a slide. "OH NO YOU FUCKING DON'T!" she yelled, whipping out her wand and causing the halfway-melted staircase to be come ridged again.

Harry sighed. _I wish I had somebody to drag upstairs and violently rape. _"Oh, you like it kinky, don't you," sneered his Slytherin side. __

_Duh.___

======

"Yes, Master?" said Lucius.

Nagini came slithering back into the room. "I thought you were told to leave?" said Voldemort crossly.

Nagini scoffed. "Well, I did, but then I realized you can't do a damn thing about me not leaving, so here I am."

Voldemort sighed. "Fine. Just keep out of our way."

Nagini put on an angelic expression. "Of course, Master, provided you don't _breathe _on me. It smells like you ate…Death! Get it? Death Eaters? Oh, fuck it. Bad audience. People can't get a joke."

"Yes, we can, you slithering slut! I was _completely _laughing my ass off," said Voldemort, in a voice oozing sarcasm.

"There's not much difference if it were on or off," said Nagini, eyeing Voldemort's bony backside.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Voldemort shrieked, jumping violently up and down. "I'll have you know my arse is the envy of my entire horde!"

Lucius suppressed a snort. "Could we possibly get back to the matter at hand, my lord?"

Voldemort was shaking with anger. "Fine! As I was saying, the Amour Vrai Charm reveals a hint about the subject's true love. These hints are usually useless if you do not know much about the people the subject could be in love with. Also, these hints happen so naturally that if you cast it you might attribute them to coincidence."

Nagini was interested. "What do you mean, Voldebitch?"

Voldemort snarled. "Let's use someone married as an example. Lucy?"

Lucius looked startled. "Me? I don't think I qualify at all, my lord. Narcissa is just a…a sex toy! That's all," he stammered.

"Fine," Voldemort spat. He muttered a few words and waved his wand, spelling out MOLLY WEASLEY.

A few seconds passed, and then a house elf came bursting in. "Master Malfoy, I discovered an injured Dark creature on the grounds! I was forced to use Muggle stitches as a remedy since you ordered me not to do magic. It's in the library now."

Voldemort smiled. "There you have it, Lucy. It's well known that fool Weasley tried to use Muggle stitches when Nagini bit him…"

"Only when he possessed me and made me fuck another snake to get his jollies," interrupted Nagini. "Filthy, disgusting son of a Hufflepuff Voldebitch…"

Voldemort looked scandalized. "Oh, Nagini," he cried, with tears in his eyes, "That hurts so much…Hufflepuff indeed!"

"Anyway, there you have it, Lucy," said Voldemort. "Now say it."

"Say what, my lord?" said Lucius innocently.

"SAY IT!"

"Voldemort, the lord of all that is Dark and all that will ever be, is the ruler of everything and is the coolest wizard ever," recited Lucius dully.

Voldemort grinned. "That's right, biotch! Now go take care of that Dark creature or whatever."

"Yes, Master Voldebitch," said Lucius snidely.

"What was that, Lucy dear?"

"Nothing, Master…nothing at all," murmured Lucius. He walked out of the room and was hit with sudden inspiration. He repeated the words he heard Voldemort utter and spelled out TOM RIDDLE.

Immediately he spotted a bag of lemon drops atop a dresser in the next room.

_Well. That came the blue fuck out of nowhere._

======

A/N: I have a sneaking suspicion that this story is going down the toilet. I have tons of ideas for it, but I just don't know if I can make it live up to the expectations of all those great reviewers…I'm trying as hard as I can, but I don't know…

I'm still having fun writing this story, and even more fun reading your reviews…they make me feel all giddy inside…yay!

And yes, I hate Hufflepuffs. Review.

Thanks to the reviewers!

The Eidolon


	5. Bared Souls and Multiple Personalities

Disclaimer: If I own anything, you don't know about it.

Rated 'R' for Harry's naughty Slytherin side. Among other things.

A/N: I saw…on the character lists….Dolores U... Please…please…PLEASE tell me that's not who I think it is. I SWEAR TO GOD IF ANYBODY WRITES ANYTHING WITH HER IN IT THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE HER DYING I'LL KILL EM! I SWEAR!

**The Kid In The Corner**- Wow…THAT'S THE LONGEST REVIEW I'VE EVER SEEN! Oh holy God I feel so…so…special!! sobs I LOVE YOU! Here's more. Please don't bitch slap me, kill me, or glare maliciously anymore….Please.

**Faye407**- I'm sorry! But I really thought it was…I guess not? Yay!

**Sky**- Err…thanks?

**TheHomicidalManiac777**- I am deciding to continue! So far…and I'm happy to hear you're not going to kill me…but that pen name...

**LadyAna**- Hey, you gave me that idea, remember? "I laughed my ass off"? Yeah, that was you…thanks!

**PrincessPepper**- Thanks! Although I'm disappointed you can't entirely tell……I NEED REASSURANCE! I'M AN INSECURE WRITER!!

Sorry about this post being so late, but with their futile maintenance and everything I couldn't…so here you go!

Oh, and a second thought…I NEED A BETA! Not some crappy teenage boy with horrible writing skills that just reads fanfiction to beat off but a BETA! Not for spelling or anything, but more like ideas and modification…you know, a fresh pair of eyes and everything….Plus, you get to see it early!

=====

**_Chapter 4:_**

****

_Bared Souls and Multiple Personalities_

=====

"Mam, Lucky's gotten away!

"RED CARD, RED CARD, YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO SKIP FOREPLAY!"

Seamus and Dean's simultaneous dream-yells caused Harry to wake, startling him from a rather strange but pleasant dream including Cho and thumbscrews, and later a certain blond as an incubus and whipped cream.

"Dammit," he grumbled. "_Kill them, kill them!!" _shrieked his Slytherin side.

Ron's head poked through the hangings. "You alright, mate? They didn't wake you, did they?"

"No, Ron, I've been laying here all night," Harry said sarcastically.

"Oh, sorry to hear that, but breakfast is soon and lessons start tomorrow so Hermione wants us in the Hall," Ron said, oblivious.

"_Dumbass!_"_ Hmm. My Slytherin tendencies are very prominent lately. Poor Dudley will never find his magazines again…_

Harry dragged himself off his bed and hurriedly dressed. Down in the common room, Parvati and a number of other people were crowded around a table.

Parvati looked up as he entered. "Ooh, there he is, there he is!"

Harry inwardly groaned. _Please don't be what I think it is…_

"Look, Harry!" Colin squealed excitedly. "We've made HP stickers to go on robes and even wands!"

"HP?" Harry asked. "What exactly does that stand for?"

"Why, Harry Potter, of course! We're your fan club! Our slogan is currently 'Get that black-haired fine ass bitch!' You like?"

Harry was mortified. "Um, sure, Colin, but I….I have to go now…"

"Look, Harry!" A girl near him touched her sticker with her wand and the small picture of Harry started dancing provocatively. Harry made a mental note to learn those moves as he pushed past them and out the portrait hole.

=====

Down at breakfast, Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Hermione, who was currently forcing Ron to eat outrageous amounts of vegetables.

"You've gotta keep your stamina up if you want to be MY bitch, Ronnie!"

"Hey guys," Harry said. "What do we have today?" He spooned his favorite breakfast onto his plate, which was syrup with waffles on the side.

"We don't have lessons today, Harry, so I decided we'd go to the library!" Hermione said brightly, attacking Ron with some asparagus.

"Uhh, no thanks, Hermione, I'll think I'll go take a walk or something, and besides, I'm sure you guys would like some extra time alone together," Harry said, oblivious to Ron mouthing "_Please, Harry, no!_"

"Sure thing, Harry!" Hermione said gleefully, covering Ron's mouth with her hand.

=====

Harry wandered aimlessly through Hogwarts, occasionally stopping here and there to talk to acquaintances. He was just passing the Owlery when he heard a frustrated growl from the tower. Not wanting to interrupt a steamy argument, but rather wanting to eavesdrop on one, he crept up the stairs and peeked inside.

Draco Malfoy was leaning against the window, stroking his eagle owl. "I hate him so much, Chimera," he said softly. "He keeps trying to marry me off to some pureblood whore, and he knows I'm not the least bit interested in sticking my wand in any girl's Pensieve…"  
  
_"But…but…does that mean…he's g-g-gay??" _Harry's brain stuttered disbelievingly. "_Never mind that, what kind of flamingly gay person names his bird Chimera?_" said his Ravenclaw side, examining his hair in a mirror.

"I have a Ravenclaw side?"

Draco started and then spun around. "Who's there?"

Harry stumbled sheepishly into the room. "Hi, Malfoy…"

Draco gave a relieved sigh. "Oh, thank God, I thought you were a Slytherin…"

"Why would a Slytherin worry you so much?" Harry asked, curious.

"Because, Harry, a Slytherin hearing me saying that I hate my father would really be inconvenient, don't you think?"

"You hate your father?" Harry said in disbelief, registering again that Draco had called him Harry.

"Yeah, but so what, who doesn't these days…" Draco murmured, turning back to Chimera.

"True," Harry agreed. "Umm…Malfoy, can I ask you a question? Well, a lot of questions really…"

"Shoot," Draco sighed, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.

Harry was weary of this completely new character Draco was displaying. "Umm…well first of all, why are you acting so different?"

Draco looked pained. "You…really believed that all of that these past 5 years was genuine?"

"Well, yes," Harry said, feeling rather foolish. _Was it all really an act? _

"I was rather convincing, I suppose, but it wasn't real. My life has never been real. That sounds really horrid, doesn't it? All clichéd and everything, but it's true. Being taught the ways of the Dark and also presenting a clean slate to the rest of the wizarding world…However, my father always taught me to seize any reason that arose to make your life miserable."

Harry was silent.

"I'm sorry, Harry…I had to do it all, as none of the Slytherins are to be trusted. In fact, I'm sure Pansy may be reporting to my father, because he's never trusted me as it is. He's had good reason to, as I have tried in more ways than one to mess up his stupid plans and everything. Especially those damned arranged marriages. I've told him plenty of times before I'm not interested. I've paraded around in skintight silk and he still won't accept that I'm outrageously gay. I mean, really, slash fans outnumber het fans by like, what, four million? And besides, I want to actually get to know someone, not just marry them immediately. I want someone to have…not someone to live with…"

Draco stood up. "I think I've said enough…sorry Harry…see you later…"

Harry stared as Draco exited through the wooden door. _I think you've answered all my questions…_

_"Well of course he did, you insensitive lump!__ He bared his soul! God, I swear, you act so damn straight sometimes…"_

_Bloody Ravenclaws._

=====

"Hey, girls, I'm going to go this way to meet Michael, okay? See you later!"

"…."

"Hey Harry! How're you doing this year? Nothing wrong, is there?"

"…."

"What do you mean you hate Ravenclaws! P'shaw! Don't be silly! Oh, and I heard about your fan club! Although, they didn't let me near them because I cheated on you all those times when we were going out…too bad…"

"…."

"Well, duh, silly! You weren't giving it up so I had started banging Michael every day! Do you think I have time for frigid heroes? I don't think so, sweetie pie. Hey Harry, what's that? What are you doing with pepper spray? Who the fuck do you think you are? Bitch, you better not point that crap at me! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY BEAUTIFUL, OVERLY-DESCRIBED ALMOND-SHAPED DARK CHOCOLATE EYES! WHAT WILL THE CHO/HARRY FANS SAY?!"

_Bitch. There are no Cho fans. Nobody likes you._

=====

A while later, feeling immensely pleased, Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room. He swept past a whimpering Ron and toward Hermione. "Hey, Hermione, what do you think of Malfoy?"

Hermione looked up. "Besides the fact that he's an irresistibly gorgeous sex god?"

Harry stifled something between a snort and a possessive growl. "Yeah."

"Well, in my personal all-knowing opinion, and given the fact that I'm supposed to know everything before you do in the world of fanfiction, and seeing as I AM the best, I'd say he never meant any of those insults and doesn't want to work with Voldemort and that you've probably had a conversation with him and realized all of this," she said without batting an eye.

Harry was momentarily stunned, but recovered. "What?"

"Ooh, Harry, are you _interested_ in him?" Hermione asked keenly.

"I, uh…um…"

"It's okay, Harry," Hermione said knowingly. "I mean, who wouldn't be? He'd certainly be my bitch if Ron didn't have such a firm arse."

"Hermione," Harry began cautiously, "Why have you become some sort of dominatrix all of the sudden?"

"Because I'm trying to burst out of the "know-it-all-friendship-saver-super-girl" shell," she said matter-of-factly.

"Ah."

"Oh stop it, Harry," Hermione scoffed. "Everyone knows that you two like each other, you're both worse closet cases than Tom Riddle."

_Tom Riddle?_

_'I just want to get to know someone…someone to have…'_

"Harry? Where are you going? Oh well." She snuck over to Ron. _Hee__ hee.___

"Hem, hem," she coughed.

Ron bolted upright. "HOLY SWEET MCGONAGALL IN LEATHER AND SPIKED HEELS, ITS UMBITCH! EVERY WITCH AND THEIR RESPECTIVE BITCHES FOR THEMSELVES!"

_Time to play cat and mouse._

=====__

Harry finished writing and leapt off the bed. _This ought to be interesting._

_"Having conversations with yourself, dear? Most umbecoming," _said his Ravenclaw side.

_Dear God, am I like the son of some ridiculous plot line that states the four founders all had a child and I'm their mutual descendant?_

_"No, Harry, everybody has tendencies of the four Houses," _said his Gryffindor side kindly.

_"Did anybody ask your pansy-assed opinion, you red and gold fruit? No!"_

_"How uncouth…why don't you explain the plan to H, it'd be ever so helpful, G," _the Ravenclaw side said, giving himself a pedicure.

_"What plan? Are we gonna steal cookies!? YAY! I'm all for it, but just let me get my helmet and goggles…"_

_Since when do my house tendencies take on personalities and voices?! Damn it all!_

=====

"Will I ever get to explain my master plan?"

"Really now, Tom, you'd think you were stalling so you could actually think up a _master plan_," Nagini smirked.

"QUIET!" he said shrilly.

"Fine, don't get your lace underwear in a twist…"

"I don't wear lace underwear! They're man-panties! Can you not understand? Man-panties!"

=====

Meanwhile, Lucius was outside still performing the Amour Vrai Charm.

CORNELIUS FUDGE.

A paper containing his wand measurements and properties blew off his desk and onto the floor.

"Hmm?"

HARRY POTTER.

Nothing happened.

"Must be those damn protective spells…"

DOBBY.

Lucius heard Narcissa's Muggle television come on in the next room, playing some show called Teletubbies, featuring Tinkie-Winkie.

"What the…"

RUBEUS HAGRID.

Narcissa was screaming at the maid in French about the hippogriffs tied up in the back yard.

"Either/or?"

NARCISSA MALFOY.

He heard Voldemort shriek from the other room. "SNAKE, IF YOU DON'T STOP INSULTING MY MANLINESS I WILL TURN YOUR ASS **BLACK**!"

"Ewwww."

=====

A/N: Hmm…a little into this story I realized something…it will never make it in to the glory of stories like _Dragon Tamer_….I think I'll go cry now...

Please Review!!!

The Eidolon


	6. Every Chapter Doesn't Need a Title, Biot...

Disclaimer: I only own this computer and your brain…

Rated 'R' because people would get pissed if it wasn't.

A/N: Skipping the "OH MY GOD THIS IS SO LATE" ramble…I'm going to say "WOW I'M SO FREAKING LAZY!!" Yes. That means I apologize to those people who have probably died and went to heaven to watch Harry and Draco screw because it's been 40 years since the last chapter...

I've been busy lately…twenty page research papers...being in love with somebody and they don't know…wait, save the angst for the story. On second thought, forget it altogether.

**Faye407- **I don't think I update often enough to need a beta anyway…and they suck anyway.

**Ava****- **I'm all wet now. But that is even longer than the other one!! Omg I love you…And don't die…but this chapter is more plot and less humor…if that's saying anything at all…or maybe its nothing?

**Schuldich****-** Umm, soon, no. Update, yes.

**Princesspepper****- **Insecure? Because I think I'm embarrassing myself. That must be it.

**Clarinetboy****- **I'm going to go die now. Stupid _Like a Virgin _song.

**LadyAna****-** Ahh, being threatened again. The true pleasure of a wannabe writer like me.

**MadiBlack****- **Cho bashing!! HELL YEAH!

**TheHomicidalManiac777-** No, not really..at least the number isn't 666 or something, in which case I'd die.

**DragonsPrincess****- **Smut? Yikes. Haven't done that yet. To tell the truth…I really don't want to. You know why? Because I'd make it a whole chapter. Muahahaha.

Presenting….crap!

------

**Chapter 6**

_Every Chapter Doesn't Need a Title, Biotch!_

_------_

"Harry! Wake your seductive arse up! We're not having any of this oversleeping-because-its-a-good-plot-element-that's-actually-a-cliché-but-those-silly-authors-don't-know-it, okay?!"

"I'm up, I'm up," Harry mumbled.

"THAT'S CLICHED TOO! GO TO HELL, POTTER!"

"I'm up, dammit! Oooh, we have that Ivy lady today, don't we? Wonder what she's like…"

Harry finished getting dressed and glanced on the sheet of parchment on his bedside table. Seeing it was blank, he sighed and made his way downstairs.

"So do you know anybody who's had Ivy yet?" Harry asked Hermione, walking into the Great Hall.

"Oh Harry, you're so cute when you're dense," said Hermione in a voice drenched with sweetness.

"THAT'S ANOTHER GODDAMNED CLICHÉ, YOU BITCH!" screamed Professor McGonagall, who was passing.

"Professor McGonagall!" Harry said, horrified.

"And YOU! It's the first day of term! Do you think anybody would have HAD a teacher yet? Oh God, if you're the savior of the wizarding world, we're all deader than a rabbi in the Aryan Nation…"

_Deader?__ More dead? Hmm…._

"YEAH!" screamed the Ravenclaw table.

Harry waggled his tongue at them, and they all proceeded to instantly swoon. Grinning triumphantly, he returned to his table, stepping over the drooling and unconscious body of McGonagall. _Not too often an awkward, bitchy, PMS-ridden teenager becomes a freakishly hot kinky sex symbol._

"_Happens all the time, dear.__ It's called canon."_

_I'm going to have to give you bloody bitches names or something, I can't keep up with all these…voices…in my head…ahh!_

"Harry, stop banging your skull on the table. We've got to go to Divination."

"But I haven't even eaten yet, Hermione!" Harry protested. "And you don't even go to Divination…"

"Nobody gives a fuck. Now MOVE."

Before he was forced onto his feet and dragged by his hair to the corridor, Harry glanced over at Malfoy, who was currently showing no signs that he had noticed any strange piece of magical parchment in his room.

_Damn._

"LET GO OF MY TRADEMARK HAIR BEFORE I SET THAT EXCUSE FOR YOURS ON FIRE!"

-----

"Lucy, get in here! I fed that slithering snake slut a tranquilizer, so now I can explain my master plan!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Lucius murmured lazily, stepping over the placid but awake form of Nagini, who opened her eyes and winked seductively.

"Now, Lucy," said Voldemort, hitching up his lace under-er, man-panties, "I'm going to explain my impossibly evil master plan!"

"Yes, Master," drawled Lucius dryly. "By the way, your lace is showing."

"MAN-PANTIES. As I was saying, I was randomly choosing names with this little charm, and I happened across one that revealed something extraordinary!" Voldemort paused. "Do you know what that was?"

Lucius sighed. "What, pray tell?"

Voldemort giggled. "Well, I tried using all of Potter's friends, you know, to see if they were his true love or something. Watch!" Voldemort pulled out his skinny wand and spelled out HERMIONE GRANGER.

Voldemort's _man-panties_ ripped.

"You poor bastard," said Lucius automatically.

"See? That takes care of that Weasley twerp." Next, Voldemort spelled out a bunch of other Gryffindor names, all predictably resulting in God knows what.

Lucius groaned. "So what's the point of all this?" 

Voldemort grinned. He raised his wand and spelled out DRACO MALFOY.

Lightning cut through the clear sky outside.

"So what's that supposed to mean?" Lucius mumbled sleepily.

"You silly bitch, it means your son is Harry Potter's true love!"

Nagini perked up at this. "Harry Potter? The Boy-Who-Lived? The-Boy-Who-Kicked-Your-Ass? The-Boy-Who-Won't-Die? Malfoy's true love?! Oh, this is rich!"

Voldemort stamped on Nagini's tail. "Shut up, you serpentine slut!"

Nagini pouted. "How can I be a slut? I'm a snake..."

"Oh, posh," Voldemort sniffed. "Your transfiguration closet is actually bigger than a transfiguration closet!"

"How clever, Voldebitch. Anything else to add before Lucius leaves to go preen in a mirror or you go leather shopping?"

"Yes, actually, I do. Lucius, I'm going to use your son as bait to catch Harry Potter in the middle of sex, where he will be most vunerable! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Lucius?"

"Sorry, Voldebitch," Nagini smirked. "You may not have noticed during your pre-menstrual temper tantrum, but Lucy fainted when he realized what his son was…"

"Well, shit. That means he didn't hear my evil laugh or my perfect plan?"

"Afraid not, dear. I guess that means your leather and heels will have to wait then?"

"Possibly. But I'll probably just dress up like Dumbledore and go trick-or-treating…"

"You're pathetic, Tom."

"Suck my broomstick!"

"Ugh, and get that owl-poop makeup all over my snake-lips? And do you _want_ to get bitten?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeees."

"AIIIIIIIEEE! Get off, get off, you emaciated vampire! Someone help! My serpent virginity is in danger because of this raving skeleton with Death-breath!"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees."

-----

"Hello, class, my name is Professor Ivy. I am your new Divination teacher, but you will not see much of me, as the deluded author wants to avoid Mary-Sue invasion. And it would anger the canon gods! Beware!"

"This broad's creepy," whispered Ron.

The professor smiled at Ron. "It is alright, dear. You are only expressing your welcomed opinion."

"Wow, you're really nice," exclaimed Lavender.

"SHUT UP, BITCH!" Professor Ivy screamed. "Open your books to page 2,948 so you can go along with me, my dears."

"I thought she was going to be important, if the author went to all that trouble to create her?" Hermione demanded.

"FOOLED YOU!"

------

As soon as Draco muttered the password (naked Nagini), he hurried to his private room, having no conversations along the way. _Because I hate them.__ Who wouldn't? And besides, their fingernails are positively horrendous. _

Once locked in his private room, which he acquired through his filthy riches, he started preening in the mirror, like any respectable Malfoy. _Not that being a Malfoy means anything when your father is a ultra-feminine closet case._

He undressed slowly, doing a practice strip-tease should ever the need arise. He moved toward his bed, but first noticed a sheet of parchment on his desk that read:

_Hello, Draco._

_What the hell is this? _Draco mused. _Am I being stalked by some sex-crazed pug-faced slut named after a flower? _

Next door, Pansy's shriek of ecstasy could be clearly heard.

Draco groaned loudly, and then returned his attention to the parchment. _Hmm…_

"Hello?"

Nothing happened, except that Pansy's shrieks turned into screams of horror. _Oooh__, sounds like she found Goyle's boils!_

He tried tapping the parchment. Nothing again.

He poked it with his wand. Nothing

He poked it with his OTHER wand. Nothing, except a general "What the fuck?!" reaction from the readers.

He tried licking it. _Mmm__, parchment.__ Also tastes like my man juice. _

He noticed the fresh ink of the writing, and therefore tried writing on it with a sock.

_Dumb Blonde _appeared on the paper.

"Hey!"

------

"Lucy! You're awake! I'm so glad!!"

"Ugh, what happened?" Lucius asked groggily, getting up off the floor, where Nagini was currently sticking her head down his trousers, murmuring, "I love silver carpets…"

"Well, Lucy dear, I was just saying that your son Draco is Harry Potter's true love and that you need to contact him asking about his romance affairs, and call off that marriage to that doggie slut Parkinson."

Lucius fainted dead away. Again.

"Free sex!" shouted Nagini gleefully.

_A moment later…_

"You like that, don't you, bitch?"

------

A/N: Why bother? I know you all hate me now…I'm sooo sorry!!

Review anyway.

The Eidolon


	7. Mystery or Stupidity?

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am nothing.

Rated 'R' to protect the corruptible little kiddies.

A/N: I would've had this up sooner but they were fiddling with something to make it better…I'll tell you what will make it better. Killing all the deluded nine-year olds, that would be better. (If you're nine and reviewing my story it does not apply to you. Wait, never mind, I'm not that desperate).

-----

**_Chapter 7_**

_Mystery or Stupidity?_

-----

Harry was irritated. For starters, that crazy Ivy lady was having a PMS fit every time a female spoke to her, and it was getting on his nerves. What the hell was with that anyway? Did she hate females and view them as competition or was she a lesbian or what?

Also, even though the wizarding world knew that Voldemort was back, Fudge still got in his insults to Dumbledore.

_New Toilet Seats for the Ministry_

_Rita Skeeter_

_The Ministry of Magic is considering installing new toilets in face of the new threat of Voldemort. When asked to comment, Cornelius Fudge stated "Albus Dumbledore has crabs."_

And his plan was going slowly. Very slowly. That idiot boy was much dumber than he looked. Really, he should know about this kind of magic, considering Voldemort used something similar in his twisted version of _Anne Frank's Diary._

Not to mention Hermione making some Hufflepuff her prison bitch.

_"Jealous, aren't you? I bet you wish that dumb blond over there would tie you to a tree and pour hot wax on your nipples, hmm?" _asked his Slytherin side, which Harry had yet to name. Snarky seemed like a good choice. _"Well, answer me! I definitely wouldn't mind getting tortured by that foxy Mudblood. If not, there's always Professor Snape…"_

_"I would rather Harry be systematically gang-raped by rabid geese than have that greasy old bat get his hands on my Harry's delicate flower,"_ said the Ravenclaw side, which could possibly be named Sebastian.

_"He didn't seem delicate when Oliver hit that spot."_

_Silence, the lot of you!_

_"Ooh, aren't you the dominant one?"_

"Harry, put the gun down. Don't point it at your head that way, someone might get hurt. Why do you have a gun anyway? Oh well, guess what? We've got a new student!" said Hermione with false cheer.

All eyes snapped the doors of the Great Halls. Almost immediately, as if on cue, in sauntered an angel on earth.

"Hi, my name is Sue Mary, and I'm from America! I'm Harry Potter's long lost cousin, I have a prophecy that says only I can defeat Voldemort, and that only I can bear Dumbledore's super children," she said, eyes flashing violet.

Dumbledore rose majestically and surveyed Sue Mary. "We humbly welcome you to our school," he said in his gravelly voice. "However," he continued, "We cannot accept you here."

The room gave a collective gasp.

"Therefore…"

The flamers readied their rants.

Dumbledore raised his wand. "Avada Kedavra, bitch!"

Everyone let out a relieved sigh and resumed eating.

-----

Harry was trudging down the corridor with Hermione dragging Ron behind, thinking about how to best catch a dumb blond's attention when Professor Ivy walked by. "Hello, Professor."

"Not now, dear," she said distractedly. "I have to keep moving, I heard Albus is in the practice of killing new characters..."

"No, just the ones like Sue Mary," said Hermione, applying a lit cigarette to Ron's arm.

"Young lady, you are about five seconds away from having your testicles transfigured into live Blast-Ended Skrewts."

"I don't have testicles…" said Hermione, puzzled.

The professor waved her wand, and there was a flash of light, followed by a _plop._

"Now you do."

-----

Harry moaned.

And Seamus fainted, but that was irrelevant.

Harry was back in the dormitory. Ron had dragged Hermione off to play with her testicles, claiming it was his turn to be dominant. That was all very well, but he was secretly glad that half the school was watching them instead of ogling him.

Harry didn't know what to do about that moron Malfoy. He glanced at the parchment. Judging from the intricate markings upon it, Draco was stomping on it with his designer boots. Harry reasoned that while he might have been wary of if something like that had appeared in his room, he certainly wouldn't stomp on it.

Much less poke it with his wand.

So, maybe Draco should get a bigger hint. Plus, he didn't want him to rip the paper.

Harry looked around at Seamus, who was still in a dead faint on the floor, drooling. He glanced around the rest of the dormitory and did a secret agent roll over to his bedside table. Popping his head up, looking for the enemy, he took the parchment and vaulted onto his bed and stealthily closed the hangings.

He looked down and saw that Draco was currently drawing Pansy's dead body over and over. He picked up his Sexy Quill made from Queen Elizabeth's leg hair and began to write.

_Nice artwork, Draco._

Harry heard a girlish squeal come from somewhere in the castle. A second later, fine lines that almost looked like impressions danced across the paper.

_Um, you might want to use the other end of the quill, dear._

_Oh! _appeared in deep violet ink, contrasting Harry's Gryffindor scarlet.

_Nice ink, Draco. What happened to Slytherin silver or green?_

_It's color-changing, Mr. Parchment. It changes each time I write. _This was in a shimmering black satin color.

_Oh, yes, every pouf's standard ink._

_You know it, bitch. _This, appropriately enough, was in bright pink. _Um, can I call you Bob? It's much shorter than writing Mr. Parchment repeatedly._

_You can call me anything you want._

_Oooh! I like the feisty ones. So, Bob, how would you like a Draco sundae with hot sex on top?_

_…_

_Bob, I was just kidding. Are you there? _

_I have to go take a cold shower. Bye bye._

-----

At dinner that night, the Gryffindor table was discussing the lessons with the new teachers.

"Ivy's all right, but when Ginny asked her a question she threatened to implant manticore eggs in her uterus."

"Trelawney is excellent, who'd've thought tea leaves could tell you how to nullify STD-causing spells?"

"D'you know if these testicles I got from Ivy are removable?"

"Who said we're going to remove them?"

Harry nodded and mumbled incoherently to give the appearance of being interested. Of course, he wasn't. Not in the least. He was watching Draco. It was interesting to watch Draco while his eyes darted around in a haze of paranoia and hear him call out "Bob?!" every five seconds.

Dumbledore stood up for another speech, interrupting Harry's reverie.

"Sit down, you crotchety old fart!!" Harry yelled.

The whole Great Hall stared. Then, Dumbledore burst out laughing. "Good one, Mr. Potter!" he chortled.

The teachers laughed uneasily.

"Well, my faithful students, I'd just like to take this time to announce that something rather important has happened."

Everyone became attentive. Except for Draco, of course, as he was watching Crabbe and Goyle play Patty Cake.

"I hope everyone's okay," whispered Harry urgently to Ron and Hermione, who were paying him no attention.

"It has recently been discovered that since Lord Voldemort's return there has been an unusually low number of deaths. This, in the past, has pointed to something greater and more sinister looming in the future. We should all therefore exercise the utmost caution here on out."

Everyone looked around nervously.

"On a lighter note," continued Dumbledore, "I am currently making Professor Sprout my prison bitch."

"Hear, hear!," cried Hermione enthusiastically.

-----

Lucius awoke on the floor of his study with a pounding headache and a strange itchy substance entangled in his undergarments.

He peered down his trousers, shocked, and pulled out…_a snakeskin?!_

_Oh dear God! _

Lucius got to his feet, sincerely hoping and praying the Voldemort had left his house. He cautiously left his study and poked his head into the library. So far, so good…

"Luuuuucius!!"

Lucius's sphincter slammed shut so tight you could sharpen a pencil in it.

"Come in here, dear, and read this letter from our darling Draco!"

_Ah._ It was just Narcissa. Not that that was a good thing. Now he wanted a very large brandy.

"What is it, Narcissa dear?" Lucius trudged into the parlor.

"Read this, Lucy-poo!"

Hearing Voldemort's sentimental nickname for him used by Narcissa but an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. Sort of like diarrhea and a stab wound combined.

_Dearest and Most Respected Father:_

_I have a slight problem. I know you never want me to bother you while Voldemort is cooking impossibly evil plans, but it's important. _

_I'm being stalked by a piece of parchment._

"Ohh my poor Draco!!" Narcissa gushed. "How horrible!"

Lucius stared.

_And to top it all off, I've gone from being an indifferent, troubled teenager to a ditzy blonde! I don't know how it happened…I mean, really, what happened to the plot? _

_BTW, I'm not going to be a death eater. OMG! I know, shocking, isn't?! Ta-ta!_

_…I did it again, didn't I?_

_With no respect,_

_Draco_

_P.S. Voldemort is an idiot. You should get a better job._

"If you could kindly explain this letter to me dear, I'd be ever so grateful," said Narcissa, flashing her vapid smile.

"Stupefy."

"Oooh, nap-time! Catch me!"

_Thump._

…

"Whoops. Time to write dearest Draco back."

-----

"Lucy, I'm hooome!"

Lucius whipped around from watching the eagle owl depart from his window.

Nagini tentatively poked her head from around Voldemort's skeletal legs. "Lucy, dear, we saw that beauty queen bitch Narcissa on the floor…are you in a good mood?"

"Of course he's in a good mood, I'm here!" Voldemort beamed.

Lucius gagged.

"Okay, Lucy, we need to discuss our plan of action regarding your gay son."

"MY SON IS NOT GAY!"

"Oh, horsefeathers, Lucius, you know Draco is gayer than Voldemort at a masquerade," said Narcissa, who sauntered into the room and stepped on Nagini. The snake hissed malevolently and began plotting…

"Well, Lucius sweetie, he is, whether you like it or not. And you're going to use his ass as bait. LITERALLY."

"Joy. How exactly do you plan to accomplish this?" Lucius asked dryly; he had long since given up on having any grandchildren of sorts when he once caught Draco watching some thing called a poor no flick with a postitive _multitude _of naked men. They were really sweaty, come to think of it, and their glistening, muscled arms had aroused something in Lucius unmentionable, and...

Ahem.

"Seeing as he is a fairy with borderline multiple personality syndrome, he will not be hard to manipulate at all."

"Unlike your perpetually soft giggle-stick," sneered Nagini.

"I'm choosing to ignore that. Anyway, Lucius, we will then somehow cause your son and Potter to come together and get to know each other."

"Like you do with barnyard animals."

"Silence, ignorant cretin! Next, Lucy dear, we will wait for them to have wild, hot sex with each other!"

"And you'll watch them because you can't get it up unless a horny rooster is flying around…"

"I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Missed me!" Nagini yelled cheerfully, popping her head up from within Lucius's trousers like so many Whack-A-Moles.

"CRUCIO!"

"You'll have to do better than that, dear," she simpered, draped from the crystal chandelier. She then quickly slithered over to behind Narcissa in anticipation of his next spell.

Voldemort grinned to himself. "I've got you now, you reptilian whore! IMPERIO!"

Nagini froze behind Narcissa's leg.

"Now go see if you can fly, dear," smirked Voldemort.

_Crash._

Nagini cackled.

Narcissa had thrown herself out the window.

-----

A/N: Oooh, I think we all certainly saw _that _coming.

Well, well, it looks like we'll have to wait till next time to find out why dearest Voldemort needs Harry and Draco to have wild, hot sex. Although I'm sure the readers wouldn't mind some of that…

Yes, I know it sucks, deal with it. I happen to like PMS!Dominatrix!Hermione, Submissive!Ron, All-Knowing!Sarcastic!Harry, Insane!Voldemort, and NAGINI. So if the extreme parodying isn't your cup of tea go drink some beer instead. Then go throw yourself out of the window.


	8. Short and Sweet

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except a rather charming little handbag.

Rated 'R' because Mommy and Daddy don't want kids to read things like this and develop a sense of humor.

A/N: Oh god, don't even ask.

* * *

"See here, my Lord, I rather object to my wife being forced to fling herself out of a third story window."

"Poor Lucy," Voldemort crooned. "It's all Nagini's fault," he added, glaring at her. "You'd think she'd have learned manners, with the all the uppity slithering about she does."

"The only manners I've learned from you are when to spit and when to swallow," said Nagini.

Voldemort closed his eyes and willed himself to calm.

"This is all very nice and sufficiently distracting, but I need to focus on the matters at hand," he said, seething.

"Like Lucius's virginity?" suggested Nagini helpfully.

"GET OUT!"

* * *

Harry fell onto his bed, exhausted. Defense against the Dark Arts had honestly taken the life right out of him. Trelawney's lessons were becoming more and more physically and mentally demanding. He had spent the last two hours deflecting Stunning Spells and felt very achy.

He rolled over, grumbling. A flash of blue to his right caught his eye like so many STDs, however. _The parchment!_ Harry bolted upright.

_Bob? Bob? Are you there? It's me, Draco!_

Harry smiled to himself. Draco's handwriting was as fabulously gay as ever, appearing a brazen magenta replete with curlicues and i's dotted with hearts. Or were those asses?

He began to write. _Hello, Draco. It's Bob, I'm here. _

_Oh, what a relief! I was beginning to think I'd imagined the whole thing, like that time I saw Cher in Hogsmeade. _

_..._

_What? I did see Cher!_

_Is this what you wanted to talk to me about? If so, then I'm afraid I must take my leave, Draco._

_Wait, no! Stay! I wanted to ask you something! I'm very lonely in my room here, my friends are off shagging or plotting or plotting to shag and I have no one else to talk to…_

Harry's heart leapt like a black person at the Olympics. _Yes, Draco? What would you like to ask me?_

_Would shiny black shoes go better with a green tie, or silver? _

"AAAAAAARGH!"

* * *

"Attention!" called Dumbledore. The Hall fell silent quickly as Dumbledore stood.

"The fire in the Gryffindor dormitories has been safely extinguished," he said gravely. "Our students would do well to not take out their frustrations on the nearest potted plant."

Harry mumbled something offensive and stabbed at his pudding with his fork.

Dumbledore continued. "Also, it seems as if the rumors flying through the school are true."

Ron blanched. "Hermione got her balls removed?"

"Voldemort's on the move?" called out Harry.

"En Vogue is back?" shrieked Draco.

Dumbledore smiled benignly. "No, my dear students. According to very reliable sources, it seems as if Voldemort is once again poised to harm the students of this school."

"I said that, you babbling diabetic!" screamed Harry.

Dumbledore plowed on. "I ask that all students travel in pairs and remain constantly aware of potential danger. Blah, blah, blah, don't die and shit. Thank you. That is all."

Just then, Hermione flounced in, a pair of testicles tightly clutched in her hand. "Oh, Ron!" she cooed. "Aren't you going to walk me back to the common room?"

* * *

To be continued.

Testing the waters!


	9. Continuity

Rated 'M' for Mature and Madness.

Disclaimer: BLARG

Malfoy Manor was completely silent. Lucius had managed to patch up Narcissa and coax her back to docility with a few whispered sweet nothings and a biscuit. She was sleeping in the master bedroom—Lucius could catch the occasional dainty snore.

He swore to himself. His first few moments of peace and quiet. Narcissa was sleeping, and Voldemort and the wretched snake had departed an hour ago, ostensibly to search for surer methods to lure Harry to Draco.

Lucius snorted. _Searching for man-panties with black lace ruffles this time, more like,_ he thought to himself. Or hopefully a muzzle for that mad snake.

He sank down into the nearest understuffed armchair and massaged his temples.

"We do not appreciate being massaged!" screeched his temples. "You are not even Jewish! Good day!" With that, they vanished in a puff of smoke.

Lucius pouted. "I'll miss those temples. They really made this room."

With a resounding hoot, a brilliantly white owl swooped in through the window and deposited a bright pink letter into Lucius's lap.

He groaned. Only one person would send a letter in such a disgraceful envelope. He delicately opened it and began to read.

_Dearest Father, _

_I'm having a terribly distressing time at Hogwarts, School of Bitchcraft and Fuckery. Pieces of parchment are having conversations with me, everyone's lost it, and the fashion sense around here is shocking! What on earth is a little Slytherin gay such as me to do?_

_Anyway, I'm writing in order to tell you something I dare not say to your face. _

_Father, Voldemort is a lunatic. Terrible taste in clothes, and I'm fairly certain he's only recruited you to his cause so he can shag you. Or so that snake can shag you. Have you ever noticed that he unerringly fails in his plans? He was foiled by a pacifier-sucking child, for God's sake. If that doesn't scream sheer ineptitude, then you need to be reintroduced to Hufflepuffs. _

_With this said, I refuse to join the Death Heaters, or whatever they are, and instead will be pursuing a career as a fashion designer for Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. Besides, being evil and making frowny faces is doing nothing for my complexion. _

_I wish you the best, Father. Try and keep your wits about you near Voldemort. And if you have a chance, will you ask Mother to send my favorite moisturizer? I seem to be running to an abundance of dry skin!_

_Fabulously, _

_Draco Malfoy_

_P.S. Harry Potter is looking so shaggable these days! Tanned skin, bright green eyes, muscly arms… Mmm. Pity your master wants to kill him. _

Lucius stared at the pink parchment in his hand, dimly noting that it smelled like flowery perfume. He leaned back into his chair, trying not to picture Harry Potter's newly grown muscle, the hard lines of his hips…his hand wandered down to his legs.

…

SPLAT!

"I'm not cleaning that up!" shrieked a passing house-elf.

_Bang!_

Startled, Draco sat upright in his bed. Through his bed curtains, he witnessed a large shape repeatedly crashing into his window.

Draco ran over to the window and hoisted it open, allowing a rather large, silvery owl to squeeze through the opening and fall onto the floor.

Draco stared down at it, confused. The owl looked up at him, cocked his head, dropped the envelope it was holding, and pooped on the floor.

Draco's mouth dropped open. "This is a genuine Persian rug! How dare you defecate on it, you featherfuck!"

The owl cocked its head again, and flew out the window.

Grumbling, Draco picked up the black envelope and undid the seal.

_Dearest Draco, my beloved and only son, _

_ARE YOU FUCKING MAD? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS—_

_Hello, Draco sweetie! Mummy here. We're writing to you in response to your last letter, which by the way was FABULOUS! Where did you get that lovely parchment and perfume? They were absolutely stunning, I must know where you got it, I'd love to send that out as invitations to balls and parties and such—_

Draco smiled to himself. Narcissa's handwriting reminded him of home and of all the fabulous redecorating he could do if he were allowed back to Malfoy Manor.

-_and of course I'd just adore it if you could come, you know, we could spend so much time gossiping, it would be precious, I absolutely cannot wait—_

Here the parchment was a bit wrinkled.

_DRACO. This is your father again. I beg you to reconsider your actions. I can eventually come to term with your…lifestyle, but I think your decision to forsake the Dark Lord is a bit hasty. Doing so would put us all in grave danger, and I know any son of mine cares about his family too much to let his own personal dreams get in the way. _

_I know your thoughts regarding the Dark Lord, but understand that together we can up with something that will satisfy him. My only instructions regarding the matter now are simple. Get closer to the Potter boy, Draco. It is imperative that you earn his trust. _

_Sternly, _

_Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. _

_P.S. Don't worry honey! I'm with you on this one! Voldemort is dreadful, he winked at me once and ever since then I've had two periods a month. _

_P.P.S. Your mother is bonkers. _

Draco sighed contentedly. Get closer to Potter? Gladly.

Harry paced about his room, trying to come up with ideas. Everyone knows that pacing gets you the best ideas. It's in all the fanfiction.

He sat down at his desk.

"When the fuck did I get a desk?" he asked, bemused.

He idly toyed with a quill, contemplating the enchanted parchment before him.

_Draco? _

Harry wrote tentatively. For some reason, he was a bit nervous.

The reply came almost immediately.

_Hello, Bob! I was beginning to think you didn't exist anymore!_

_Oh, no, Draco, I definitely exist. It's just that I'm very busy, you know. _

_You're a piece of raggedy parchment. What an exciting life you must lead. _

_Don't get that tone with me, Slytherin. You have no idea the powers I possess. With one simple word, I could remove the life from you. Or destroy your entire Ralph Lauren collection. _

The next lines appeared to Harry as if they were very shakily written.

_Oh, please, anything but that! I beg you! What do you want me to do? I'll do anything!_

_Anything?_

_Anything, Bob. _

What will Harry make Malfoy do? Stay tuned. 


End file.
